This post comes with a disclaimer:
*It's not pretty and it's completely honest and raw. If you aren't ready for this....stop reading now.*
I posted not to long ago the dark little secret of how I was in an abusive relationship for several years. It took it's toll on me in so many ways...depleting my confidence and completely destroying the person I once was. My mother even said to me after all of it was over..."Your just a ghost of the girl you once were." To really hear and say those words now....it's crazy. It hurts so much and I wish I could go back in time and change it all...but I can't.
I forgave him. I had the opportunity to tell him that I forgave him for all he did. It was hard and I think I mainly did it because I thought it would magically make me forget it...but it didn't and things are STILL hard.
I struggle with my self image, my confidence and a million other things. I can't even function like a normal human being. My poor friends and family have to pay for the repercussions of it all and I've lost so many friends because they just can't deal with it....It's a lonely downward spiral and it's killing me everyday.
I try so hard to be positive, to make everyone happy, to lead the perfect life with a smile on my face....but I'm tired and I just can't keep pretending anymore. I can say I'm sorry a million times but it won't "fix it" because I don't even believe in myself anymore.
Depression is real, it's scary and it's lonely. I've tried for so long to run and hide from it because I was scared of what people would think....but it's a part of who I am, what happened in the past has changed me.
I'm not perfect, I have really bad days, weeks, sometimes months....there are times where I don't want to leave my bed, talk to anyone or breathe. It's hard, it's a struggle but I want to overcome it. Having the wonderful opportunity of shooting weddings is one of the magical things that helps me through....seeing my couples so happy, so in love changes me.
There will always be doubt. After years and years of being told you are nothing, worthless and being made to feel like you are nothing-really takes it toll and it's not something that can be magically fixed.
So let me just say:
I'm sorry. For those of you who are my friends, family or simply look to me for inspiration- I'm sorry...I'm sorry for the times I've let you down, I'm sorry for brushing aside the compliments you gave me because I didn't believe them, I'm sorry for being a hermit for days and days when you needed me, I'm sorry for letting you down by loosing my positive attitude...I'm sorry. I love each and every one of you more than you know-you all cheer me on despite my terrible mood. Each one of you believe in me...when I don't believe in myself.
THANK YOU. Thank you for your love, your light and all that you do for ME.
It's a struggle, an ugly battle and no one really "understands" unless they are going through this horrible cycle themselves.
So I reach out to you...the one who battles depression, the one who has thought of ending it all...
I've been there more times than I can count. It's lonely and your scared...but please please know that there is hope. there really is...I'm there too and I understand. There are people that love you, want you to succeed, you just have to have faith. Reach out to someone...you are loved and you are valued. Life is such a precious gift...please don't throw it away.
If you need help please reach out to someone....
I know this was a very dark post but it needed to be said. Thank you all for your support and please do not worry as I am working very hard to be more positive! (the winter weather is always hard!!)
Thank you for believing in me, thank you for loving me and most of all thank you for being my friends...