They say the first step to getting over something is admittance, which also happens to be the hardest step. No one enjoys having to say they were wrong or that they have a problem. It's these faults in ourselves we work so hard to hide from others for fear of judgement...
I'm going to admit something, take it as my repentance if you will.
I let myself become defeated.
This is a really hard thing to admit, you see I've worked so hard to build this confidence, to help show others that it can be done. So to come forth and say that I let myself become defeated is just an insult to all I've built! But it's true...& I'm definitely one to be honest.
I've never been a confident person, everyone who knows me is aware of this flaw. I've always doubted myself and put myself down for as long as I can remember. Needless to say going through Art School was a disaster because every critic had me in tears. I'm a people pleaser through and through...which certainly doesn't help my case.
Its been two months of being full time for me, I still have people asking me "how it's going". I fake a smile and reply "great" all the while hoping that lie will start to become a reality. You see it's never REALLY great, worrying if your going to get bookings to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly more rewarding & I LOVE what I do. It's just fear and when you have insecurity accompanying it...it spells disaster.
Now I know a lot of you will be reading this thinking (or saying) gosh it's so negative, why can't she just be positive and hope for the best? Well...you must not know me, because I'm a realist in the most shocking way. I read the endings of books first because I just HAVE to know what happens, the fear of not knowing is an anxiety attack waiting to happen. So the fear of not knowing if I'll have money to pay the bills is quite scary!
So this is the truth about full time as a creative: you don't know what's going to happen from day to day, but somehow you have to have faith it will all work out for you....&& if your anything like me you'll worry, be scared and sometimes feel like your insane, but that's ok. That's part of taking a leap, it's the fear of- Will I fly or Will I fall? You'll never know if you don't take that first step off the ledge.
& be honest with yourself, even when you don't want to admit it.