I was sitting at my desk on Tuesday afternoon, staring at the little snowflake cut-outs I had just taped up on the front line. I had just finished reading one of my favorite mentor's blog post about an amazing engagement shoot they had completed in the most magical place...just earlier I had a disgruntled customer and quite frankly didn't even want to start on the pile of paperwork looming inside my desk drawer (because after all-if you put it away-out of sight, out of mind?) Then I started to cry....at my desk...in the middle of the day, in public.
Why can't I be out shooting pretty dresses on pretty people in magical places I've never even been to in my life. Why can't I create these stunning images that make covers of magazines, get shared a 1,000 times and have more likes than I could even dream of (thanks mom for giving me one thumbs up!) I want to take photos that are stunning and gorgeous and make you FEEL like you are caught in this fairytale. I want to travel to New York and take photos in places I could only dream of. I've put five years of my life into my business, countless hours marketing, promoting and creating what I thought was the perfect brand...
...Yet here I was in the middle of my little chaotic life wishing, hoping, WANTING to be anywhere but there at that ugly brown desk, staring at those stupid little cut-out snowflakes, drowning in paperwork I just don't want to do anymore. The overwhelming feeling and sheer panic of "Maybe this is it..." Literally scared the heck out of me. What if I was meant to wear this nametag and answer phones and drown in paperwork while WISHING I was shooting an engagement shoot in Central Park...
It's enough to suck the life right out of you.
I started to literally wish I was someone else, somewhere else, living a life that isn't meant for me.
It was rock bottom with a capital "R" y'all. Just the day before I was ready to shave my head and now day two into the week I was ready to dye my hair, change my name and become the next Big Thing. If I had to sit through one more customer service training class, so help me I was going to stab myself with a paper clip. It's a blessing in some aspects yes-We have a steady income, benefits aren't sky high and I get paid vacation. It somewhat pays the bills and it keeps a roof over our heads...but the strain of trying to juggle 40 hours during the week on top of the 30-40 hours of photography work is killing me.
So what do you do? Well I can certainly tell you quitting the full time job before your ready isn't the smartest choice, no matter how fed up you are. (you can read my last post on this here.) I can't really bite the hand that's feeding me (& my family) right now.
So for now I'll have to embrace my ugly little brown desk, hide all the paper clips so I don't stab myself and remember that:
Those photographers I WISH I was...they started somewhere too, whether it was working in a classroom, eating ramen in college to save up for camera gear...their success didn't happen overnight, they worked hard, dreamed harder and never.gave.up. Yeah it sucks that I'm not traveling the world and hanging out with some pretty epic photographers, but that's just not meant for me (right now;)) I've just gotta keep pushing, keep hustlin' and keep being the #Momboss I am, because my little girl believes in me and so do my friends/family.
Stay Fabulous and Keep dreamin'